All My Tomorrows
by Anne T.M
Summary: Captain Janeway returns from Quarra and has a hard time adjusting to her old life on Voyager.


Disclaimer: The characters their histories belong to Paramount. The story belongs to me.

Synopsis: Sometimes one decision can changed your life in very unexpected ways. Set directly after "Workforce." Some of the dialogue comes directly from the episode. I am just borrowing it!

Rated PG

All My Tomorrows

As she looked around her room a feeling of uneasiness crept through her. She couldn't believe that she lived here for over six years and yet almost everything seemed foreign. There were no pictures to jar her memories, no mementoes that were familiar, no anything. It was all so frustrating. 

This was where she was supposed to be. At least that's what they told her. This was her home yet it felt all-wrong. The sound of the door chime brought her from the other room. "Come in." When she saw the familiar face she ran across the room and threw herself into his arms. "Thank god!"

His arms circled her as he pulled her closer. "Well this is a nice welcome." He leaned down to kiss her but stopped just inches from her lips. "Kath, what's wrong? Have you been crying?" 

She pushed herself up on her toes and pulled his body toward hers. She clutched his shoulders while she buried her head in his neck and began to cry yet again. 

"Hey, come on sweetheart. What is it?" 

She didn't answer, she just held on for dear life. 

"Come on. Let's sit on the couch and you can tell me what is wrong." He sat there quietly holding her waiting for her to talk. It was no wonder she was crying, he thought, considering what had been done to her. Her life was ripped from her when her memories were altered and now she might rip his life from him by saying good-bye. He didn't care. She was worth the risk. He would go with her if she wanted him. 

Finally she calmed down and lifted her head from his shoulder. Her swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks broke his heart. He cupped her cheek in his palm. "It's okay, Kath. You can tell me."

She shook her head yes. "I can't be who they want me to be. I don't know how!" She reached out and threaded her fingers through his. "They tell me that I am in charge of this entire ship and everyone in it. I just can't believe it. It's an overwhelming responsibility and I just don't want it!"

He pulled her onto his lap. "Give it time. This is the life you led before Quarra."

"But I like the life I had in Quarra. I had you."

"I'm here now."

The tears began again. "But what about tomorrow?"

He lifted her chin so that he could reach her lips. He intended to kiss her gently but she grabbed the back of his neck and plunged her tongue into his mouth. Without thinking he unzipped her jacket and began to lift her shirt. The beeping of her jacket startled him into breaking their contact. She groaned in frustration before she answered the call. "Yes?"

"Captain?"

"Yes?"

"There is an incoming for message for Jaffen."

She looked down and saw him shake his head no before he returned his mouth to the warm skin of her stomach. "He is indisposed at the moment. Please, ah, take a message."

By the time the link was cut Jaffen had already picked her up and was carrying her to the bedroom. 

Tuvok stood in stunned silence on the bridge. 

Tom Paris spun around in his chair and faced Voyager's Chief of Security. "Did she just say take a message?"

"Yes, Mr. Paris she did. Mr. Kim, hail the Ambassador so I can, 'take a message.'"

By the time the current leader of Quarra appeared on the screen the bridge crew had stopped chuckling at the Captain's response.

"Tuvok, it is good to see you again."

Tuvok remained standing while he conversed with the Ambassador. "Mr. Ambassador, Jaffen is currently unavailable."

"Yes, I suppose he is settling in to his new home." Their training coupled with years of surprises allowed them to hide their reaction to the shocking news. They would be taking on another passenger, and the Captain's lover at that.

"I was unaware that such arrangements had be made," Tuvok said.

"I just assumed that that was the case. You see I offered him the job as Administrator of the power plant and he turned me down. He said he thought he might be leaving and I just assumed that he meant to leave with her." 

Tom let out the breath that he had been holding. His mind had been occupied with thoughts of Chakotay's reaction to the news that Jaffen was staying and none of them were pretty. 

"I have a message for him and I also have a request for you. Please tell Jaffen that the plant is shut down for two days. We have a lot of things to sort out. So if he changes his mind in the next couple of days the job is his. As for Voyager, I would like to ask your Captain a favor. I know considering what happened I have very little right to ask for your help but I am afraid that I have no choice. With our plant shut down our planetary systems are very vulnerable. I am afraid that if we were attacked we would be easy prey. I am asking that you keep your ship in orbit until we bring the plant back on line. I believe that your presence will be enough to make any enemies think twice before attacking."

"I will discuss it with my captain and get back to you."

The Ambassador smiled. "Thank you, Sir. That is all I can ask."

Before Tom could comment Tuvok hailed Commander Chakotay and requested a meeting in his office.

~

Commander Chakotay sat at his desk and listened to the request made by the government of Quarra. "I see no reason not to stay for awhile. It will give B'Elanna more time to complete repairs. The ship took a lot of damage this last week." Tuvok nodded in agreement but did not move. Chakotay eyed him cautiously. He leaned back into his chair and sighed. "There's more isn't there?"

"The Ambassador also left a message for Jaffen. It seems that he believed that the engineer would be joining us indefinitely. His things had been recently packed and prepared for transport." Chakotay appeared unmoved. Tuvok was impressed. He could only imagine the impact the news had on the Commander. In that moment he gained an even deeper level of respect for the former Maquis Captain and his almost Vulcan like control. "I was also asked to tell Jaffen that he would have two days in which to decide whether to accept their offer of a job as plant manager."

"When is the Captain scheduled to meet with the Doctor again?"

"Not until tomorrow. He stated that she is not fit for duty yet but has agreed to a four- hour shift on the bridge. The Doctor is hoping that the familiarity of the situation will help her regain her memories," Tuvok said.

"It can't happen soon enough! Meanwhile, I will contact the Ambassador and tell him that we will stay for awhile and you can deliver the message to Jaffen." Tuvok turned to leave but Chakotay stopped him. "And Tuvok, tell B'Elanna to take her time. There's no need to leave here too quickly."

An unspoken understanding passed between the two men. "I will let her know."

Once he was alone he spun in his chair and stared out at the planet below. It looked no different than many of the other planets that they had orbited in the seven years of their journey. But this one was very different. This planet had the power to bring about the destruction of his very soul. Hopefully, time would be enough to bring her back because he didn't think that he could live with this new Kathryn, not the woman who was currently moving her lover into her quarters. He needed his Kathryn, his friend.

~

Kathryn answered the door in a man's shirt and nothing else. Jaffen quickly followed wearing only shorts. "Captain, I have a message for Jaffen." He handed the PADD to the man standing next to his Captain. The scene was incongruous with the image that she had worked years to mold. He hoped for her sake that she would regain her memories quickly before too much damage was done. "I might also remind you that you are due on the bridge in 45 minutes."

"Thank you…"

"Tuvok."

"Yes, of course. Thank you, Tuvok."

~

She had spent four excruciating hours on the bridge yesterday and today she was on her way to the same ordeal. As she rode to the bridge she closed her eyes, gathering her strength, and immediately memories of last night flooded her mind. She had spent much of her night making love in her luxurious bed. She couldn't help but smile. When she was with Jaffen she felt whole. The world seemed real, unlike right now where she felt like a shadow of herself. 

The doors opened and she emerged. She heard someone yell, "Captain on the bridge" and all the people stood at attention. 

"Please, sit down everyone." She crossed the room and made her way to her seat. She took a deep breath. "So far, so good," she thought. After her trepidation faded she began to wonder what, if anything, she should be doing. The captain of Voyager leaned over very discreetly and asked the man sitting next to her that exact question. He smiled warmly at her and just for a moment she was stunned by the brilliance of his smile. He gave her a few suggestions before he returned to fiddling with his console. She took another deep breath and summoned up her courage and called out, "report." If the crew was surprised they didn't show it. Each member gave a description of what had happened since she had last been on the bridge. Some of it she understood and some she didn't but she felt better for having asked. The man next to her had also suggested that she read some of her personal logs. She decided that was the next thing that she would do. She was just about to ask him how to get to them but when she looked down at her screen she saw that they were already there. Chakotay had brought them up for her. Where did that name come from? She looked over at him again. Yes, she was sure that was his name, not Amal but Chakotay. She returned her attention to her screen and without any conscious thought she entered a code and the logs immediately appeared. 

Though she didn't realize the significance of the moment Chakotay did. Kathryn had instinctively known the necessary code. Maybe the Doctor was right and time was all she needed. He spent the next few hours subtly watching her as she read about her life and as she did he hoped with all his heart that she would find herself in the words that she had written.

No one noticed when she tapped her comm badge. "B'Elanna, this is," she paused unsure what to say, "the Captain. I was wondering if you could meet me for lunch?"

"I am a little busy right now but I could use a break. I'll meet you in the mess hall."

"That's fine. I'll see you there."

"Captain, someone else wants to talk to you."

"Kath, can I join you two for lunch? I am enjoying working down here in engineering but I could a break too."

Kathryn shifted in her seat. She was suddenly uncomfortable. "Actually Jaffen, I had some things that I wanted to discuss with B'Elanna alone."

"I understand. I'll see you tonight for dinner then. I love you."

"I'll see you later." She kept her head down to hide her embarrassment. When she had arrived on the bridge four hours ago she was so sure that her life with Jaffen was the right one. Now, after reading her logs, she was no longer sure about that. Without looking at anyone she stood up and headed for the turbo-lift but she paused before she got in when she realized that she did not know where the mess hall was located. "Could someone tell me how to get to the mess hall?"

Tom turned in his seat and eyed Commander Chakotay. With a small nod of the head permission was granted to leave. "I'll do better than that. I'll take you there and say a quick hello to my wife." He joined her in the lift. He looked over at his Captain and saw the worry on her face. He reached over and put his hand on her shoulder. "Don't worry, Captain. Things will get better."

She gave him a weak smile. "I hope you're right."

Tom walked over to the table to where his wife was sitting. She gave him a sharp look. "I just escorted the Captain down here and I thought I would give my lovely wife a kiss." He leaned in and touched his lips to her cheek. Out of the corner of his eye he saw the Captain coming so he moved in closer and pulled B'Elanna into a hug so that he could whisper in her ear. "She's starting to come around. She needs you to push her in the right direction." He gave her one last kiss and pulled away. "Ladies, enjoy your lunch!"

Kathryn sat down across from B'Elanna at the table the engineer had chosen. It was as far into the corner as it could get. "He is sweet. You are very lucky."

"Yes." B'Elanna ran her hands across her bulging stomach. "I am."

The Captain put a forkful of what could only be described as green goop into her mouth. Her expression immediately soured. "Is the food always this bad?"

B'Elanna laughed. "No, sometimes it's worse!" She looked down at the replicated dish in front of her. "I guess being eight months pregnant has some advantages!"

Kathryn smiled. "I don't think I am willing to go that far for a good meal!" 

B'Elanna watched as a look of panic arose on the Captain's face. "No, you never were."

Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you. I needed to know that. It is bad enough that I can't remember the life I lived but I would hate to think that I could forget my own children." She returned her attention to the slop on her plate. "B'Elanna, how long will it take?"

"The Doctor said it is different for everyone but it took me about four days. I spent a lot of time going through the things in my quarters. Tom was very patient. He helped me understand the significance that they had to our lives. I also spent time looking at the holo-images that the Doctor had collected over the years. That was also helpful. What has it been for you, two days? Is anything looking familiar to you?"

"Not really. I couldn't even find the mess hall myself."

"That was probably self preservation." That brought about a smile from the Captain.

"Things do feel different today than they did yesterday. Yesterday I was positive that you were all wrong. Today I'm not so sure. I have a vague feeling of uncertainty."

"It's quiet right now. Maybe it would be a good time for you to go through your things with someone. You know like Tom and I did."

"Would you come with me B'Elanna and help me?"

B'Elanna was touched by the trust the Captain placed in her but she knew that she was not the person the Captain needed. "I don't think I am the right person for the job." She saw the disappointment in the Captain's eyes. "It should be Chakotay."

Her eyes changed from disappointment to shock at the sound of his name. "My first officer? He barely even speaks to me. In fact, I was wondering how we could possibly have worked together for so long when it is obvious that he does not like me."

In a gesture that was very uncharacteristic for her, B'Elanna reached across the table and covered the Captain's hand with hers. "Trust me."

The Captain looked deeply into the woman's eyes and some how she knew that B'Elanna was right. So she agreed.

B'Elanna smiled. "I'll contact him and tell him to meet you in your quarters."

"B'Elanna, if you don't mind, could we keep it just between the three of us?"

"Don't worry. There's a lot of work to be done in engineering. Everyone down there will be very busy all afternoon."

~

"And this picture is from a luau party that we had on the holo-deck."

"Don't tell me. Mr. Paris arranged it. He seems to be quite the party boy!"

"He does seem to have a knack for it." Chakotay closed the book. They had looked at all of the images and he had described the events that had surrounded each one.

"Chakotay, thank you for this. I thought B'Elanna was crazy when she suggested you but I can see that she was right. Would you mind looking at some of my things?" She got up from the couch and started walking toward her bedroom. "I know they must be special if I kept them but a few of them have me stumped." She turned around with a rock in her hand only to find that she was alone. "Chakotay?"

He slowly appeared at the door to her bedroom.

"What's wrong?"

He tugged on his ear as he looked around. The first thing he saw was her perfume bottle sitting on her dresser. Just the sight of it brought her scent into the air. He smiled when he saw the leather bond book laying open on her night table. 

She stood back and watched him survey her room. What was he looking for she wondered? "Chakotay?"

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. I have never been in your bedroom before. It feels strange."

She moved toward the closet. "Imagine how strange it feels to me!"

"Of course. You're right." With that said he forced himself to walk into the room and toward the closet. As he neared his destination he tripped on something and fell onto the bed.

Kathryn heard him gasp so she turned around just in time to see him land in the middle of her bed. "Oh Chakotay, are you okay?" She reached out her hand to help in up. When their hands touched they both stilled and stared at each other. For just one instant she wasn't sure whether she wanted to pull him up or have him pull her down. When the intensity became too much she cleared her throat and the spell was broken. "I'm sorry you must tripped over something." When she looked down she saw that it was Jaffen's suitcase that had tripped him. She quickly kicked it under the bed and pulled out a shirt from her closet. "I found this tan shirt in my closet. It's not mine so I now it must be important."

Chakotay was standing behind her when she pulled out the shirt. It was his. It was one of the ones he wore on New Earth. "It's mine." He told her in a very quiet voice.

"Why would I…" she turned around to face him and saw the flash of emotion that quickly passed through his eyes. So she left her question unasked. Instead she showed him the rock that she had been holding.

"It is a rock from the planet Hannon. Our crew was stranded there once. You took the rock to remind you of the strength and determination the crew showed when they were faced with such a dire situation."

Kathryn reached up and touched her hair. "I cut my hair there. Didn't I?"

"Yes you did. You did it to…"

"…Make a fire!"

"That's right."

She crossed to her dresser and picked a statue. It was the ugliest thing that she had ever seen. "Please tell me my taste is better than this."

Chakotay laughed. "That is a trophy that was given to you by Tom Paris after you beat him at pool for the millionth time. He declared you the champion of the Delta Quadrant!"

Kathryn daintily covered her mouth with her hand as she laughed. "Am I really that good?"

"Why don't we go find out?"

"Will you give me a trophy?" They both were laughing as they headed out her door toward the holo-deck.

~

"I believe that makes it three wins for me and zero for you. According to my count you now owe me three trophies." She took his arm and led him to the bar.

"Oh no! You asked, I never promised." He sat beside her and sipped his drink.

Kathryn looked around the room and then back to her first officer and was surprised to find that she felt comfortable. "I like this place."

"You always did, from the first moment you walked in. Do you remember?"

She surveyed the room once more and a big smile light up her face. "Yes, I do! A man kissed my hand and offered to make mad passionate love to me."

"It wasn't a man. It was a holo-character."

"Yes, I remember thinking that it was such a shame that he was not real!"

"I'm shocked!"

She swatted his arm like she had done a thousand times before. "No, you're not. I don't think that even compares to what I said the first night I was here."

Chakotay tilted his head sideways and stared at her with big brown innocent eyes. "What do you mean?"

"Commander your stick! Don't you remember?"

"Of course I did. I just wanted to hear it again."

Kathryn's eyes sparkled with delight as she gave him a smile. "You are terrible!"

He took her hand in his as he answered. "I know but that's why you…"

She looked up at him expectantly. She already knew what he was going to say. 

He quickly dropped her hand. "Kathryn it's getting late. We both…"

"Why do you say my name like that?"

He looked down at her. "Like what?"

She stood in front of his bar stool and waved her hands in a circle. "I don't know. It sounds different when you say it." She didn't know how to explain it. It was like she could feel it throughout her body when he said her name. "Computer delete holo-characters." She moved a little closer and placed both of her hands on his thighs. "Chakotay, I need to know. Are we lovers?"

Chakotay, dropped his head. The tightness in his chest increased. His heart burned. A tiny frown appeared on his lips. His answer was barely above a whisper, yet it spoke volumes to her. "No, Kathryn. We are not lovers."

She let out her the breath she had been holding. She wasn't sure if she was pleased with his answer or not but when she looked into his eyes she knew that he was not. All she saw was pain. "Chakotay, will you do me a favor?"

His eyes glowed with an indescribable fire as he spoke. "Anything, Kathryn."

She moved closer to him. She took his right hand into hers and encouraged him to stand up. "Will you hug me? I need to know how it feels?"

Chakotay finished standing and let her hand fall to her side. He saw the need in her eyes and he could not resist. He closed his arms around her back and pulled her body to him. 

Kathryn closed her eyes and circled his waist with her arms. His body was firm and warm. His strong arms anchored her to him. She nuzzled her cheek against his chest and she felt his head drop into her hair. She could feel him rubbing his cheek across her hair in rhythm with his hand that was rubbing up and down her back. She took a deep breath and relished the security she felt. 

A beeping sound intruded into their world. Chakotay pulled back first. "That means our time is about to expire. We better go." He led her out of the door leaving their make believe world behind.

~

Later that night Kathryn held back the tears as the man who shared her bed loving stroked her skin.

~

The "Red Alert Klaxons" roused her from her bed. Before she knew what she was doing she was in her uniform and headed to the bridge.

As she exited the turbo-lift she called for a report. Chakotay informed her that a ship began firing on the planet and Voyager was moving to intercept. When they arrived she saw that Voyager dwarfed the enemy ship. She ordered Tom to maneuver between the ship and the planet and hold position.

Before she could hail the ship, the enemy hailed them. "We have no quarrel with you! Get out of our way before we blow up your ship!"

Kathryn almost laughed. She had to admit that the guys had guts. Tuvok had already given her a tactical analysis of the ship and it's weapon systems. They could not out gun the Delta Flyer much less Voyager. She stood with her back to the view screen but she made certain her orders were loud enough to be overheard. "Tuvok, lock phasers on the alien ship. Target their life support systems." In a quick fluid motion she turned to face the annoyance that currently filled her screen. "As for you, you have five minutes to leave orbit or I will order my officer to fire, and trust me, it will be the last thing you hear." She turned again and walked to her chair and sat down to wait. 

If she had looked around, she would have seen that most of her officers were smiling. They all knew that they had their captain back.

No one was surprised a minute later when they saw the small ship turn and leave Quarra. 

Despite the fact that she had only slept for about two hours, Kathryn felt great. The little incident had exhilarated her. She took a moment to look around at the members if her crew. When her face settled on Chakotay she knew that she was right where she needed to be, on Voyager as it's captain. She also knew that the relationship between herself and her first officer was about to change. She had gotten used to having a man in her bed. Only this time it would be the right one. She may not have given him enough of herself in the past but she knew that all her tomorrows would belong to him.

"Captain, there is a message coming in from Quarra. It is for Jaffen."

"Thank you, Harry. Please send it to my quarters and I'll let him know." With that said she got up and left the bridge."

~

His suitcases filled the center of her living area.

"I can't stay."

"I know."

"They offered me a job as plant manager."

"A promotion. Congratulations. You deserve it."

Jaffen crossed the room and stood in front of her. "I thought you might like these back...To remind you of our time together."

Kathryn hugged him and tears escaped from the corners of her eyes. "I won't need souvenirs to remember you."

He allowed himself the pleasure of holding her for one more minute. He knew that he could hold her forever but she would never belong to him. That's why he knew he had to leave. She belonged to Voyager. 

~

Kathryn exited the turbo-lift to the comforting sound of Harry's voice. "Captain on the bridge."

Everyone stood at attention in honor of his or her captain.

She smiled as she gave the expected response. "At ease!" She crossed the room slowly and eased down into the now familiar chair at the center of the bridge. After a moment she leaned over and whispered to her fist officer. ""It may not have been real, Chakotay, but it felt like home. If you hadn't come after me I never would've known that I had another life." 

"Are you sorry I showed up?" 

She reached her hand across the console and took his hand in hers. "Not for a second." 

"Resume course, Mr. Paris." 

"Aye, sir." 

__

The End


End file.
